2020 vs 2021

Think back to February 2020 … childcare, work, chores once the kids are in bed … and only then having time to think about your blog. Oh, how easy it was then!

How things have changed in 12 months, I don't know about you but I have definatly been living in a daze with no idea what I am supposed to be doing. Trying to teach wasn't an easy feat - I will hold my hands up, was less than clueless and felt like I was failing more than once. I have managed to rearrange our home and it does feel much better, more space(though it is being taken up with more books - oops).

I have felt like I have been failing not only in my parenting for Theo but also failing for me, I am not even sure who I am anymore. I have more than lost contact with friends I used to talk to daily, you'd think this extra time I would be able to do things but it just doesn't seem to work, more time I have the less time I actually have which trust makes no sense - not even to me.

I feel I have lost who I am, though I have been improving that this year - been reading and gaming again which if I am honest has been a blessing and a release I didn't know I needed.

I know alot of people have been talking about mental health and I know I have always had an open inbox/door policy when it comes to mental health though recently I have experienced a low. It wasn't as easy to admit I was struggling and I am still in the beginning of opening up that I was/am struggling. Between work, home jobs, and Theo's bit I have found so little time to actually get to do family stuffs. Time out with Theo, just playing somewhere, goofing around, exploring - reading more. He is in nursery and I am so thankful for this because in all honesty I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to teaching him, his needs are far greater than I have the knowledge to provide, though this means I see him a little in the mornings; rushing around getting him washed, fed, dressed, as well as myself ready then getting to school on time(trying to remember where I keep the masks and making sure I have one on me - not in the other hoody). Then the evenings is pick up, home, food and he doesn't want to play with his mum he wants some time to himself, sat in front of the TV or tablet as I make his dinner - then is feeding and that can be such a chore sometimes, tears and wetwipes everywhere. after that we both just want to sit down and chill some more, read a book or so and it's time to start the bedtime routine, what time does that leave? Weekends I am working 24+ hours so sometimes I see him friday putting him into bed and don't see him again til monday morning. I won't lie I am HATING it! The work I used to do took up my evenings but least I felt I had more time with Theo - there was balance. Now, lost.

This month I have made sure I have a weekend off which I can't wait for though I am going to have to have a serious think about what to do going forward if this way of living is to be the normal because I can't keep going like this.

I will break.